I used to love the sound of rain. Especially during years of drought. Rain meant the hope of an end to the drought. It meant life for the plants. I would hear it and get a smile on my face and a light feeling in my heart. I would run to the windows to watch it. I would lie awake listening to it hit the roof in the stillness of the night. I would throw open the windows and let in the clean, cool, fresh air; taking it in deeply through my nose. The kids and I would go out in rain and walk, run, or even dance. We loved it.
Rain brings new feelings now. Rain brings anxiety, tighteness, and heaviness in our hearts. Rain brings tears to the children’s eyes. It isn’t something we think through, it is an automatic response. When we hear the sounds, or see the sights that indicate rain we all tense up. My stomach ties itself in a knot. My muscles tighten. The kids look at me with fear in their eyes. I smile back. I try to comfort. Deep down they know I am faking. They start to cry. We all hold each other. We say the words. We don’t believe them, but we say them anyway, hoping to convince ourselves of the truth. “It is ok. Rain is good. The earth needs rain. Just because it is raining doesn’t mean something bad is going to happen to us.”
I wish it would stop raining for awhile. Give us time to heal.
It isn’t raining like it was during the flooding, but it has rained at least a little bit every day since then. At this point I feel like it signals possibly more time until we can go back to our real life. Because every drop is making the drying up and recovery last longer.
I wonder how long it will be before the rain doesn’t trigger these fears and negative emotions in us? Will rain ever feel the same?